Appreciate

They say : life is a bitch, 

I would say : no, life (just) happens.

Another "Happy Lunar Year" is over, the dinner, the family, the red envelope, all of that combined causing a beautiful chaos. Yes, i'm having a love-hate relationship when it comes to mi familia. Like Stitch says : This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah still good. :)

Many things happens, i've got another interview last Tuesday, my document for the trip is done (but my brother haven't which makes me had to go back to Kota Tua, syit!). I found myself counting my blessing everytime i had to go outside my (temporary) house. Walking the streets all day, then i still able to go home and rest. Should i ask for more?

Oh yes, i still had a dream that i would have my own house someday. Not the one shared with husband (if i ever get married) but a place where my mom can stay spending her old days *ngayal babu*. I shocked myself too by saying that as my target in my last interview.

I still unemployee, but i started to see it with another "glasses". With my very-much-spare-time i can go process my passport, i try new coffe shop in Jalan Sabang, i watch Iron Lady alone, i try new busway route. You can called me "pengangguran borju" because i spend the money while i don't make one. 

But hey, i don't know whether i would have this time again, sight-seeing things during working hours, it's something you should try just to know how it feels so you understand what i'm saying here ;)

I miss working, yes i do. It's scares me everytime i opened my wallet. However, i appreciate every single things that happen to me now. I learn to use my money wisely and to let go the time that has gone.

Maybe, just maybe, the enlightement comes to the one who surrender all. Just like me now. I keep my expectation low, i accept everything that life would bring to me. I think, that's what happen when you passed the bitter-phase, you become better.

*sotoy amat ya* =)))

Oh well, have a good day people!

Choices

The greatest lie you can create is to say you're okay while you're not, to smile when you're about to cry, and to say no while you really want to say is yes.

Selama saya bekerja, yang cuma singkat sekitar 3 tahun lebih beberapa bulan, saya cuma punya 3 orang atasan. Mereka masing-masing punya hal yang membuat saya respect dan/atau membuat saya malahan antipati kepada mereka, tetapi cuma 1 orang yang saya anggap dekat dan sering saya jadikan figur bapak. Dia adalah atasan saya di kantor yang kedua. Let's called him Dad.

Saya bertemu Dad, di hari pertama saya datang ke mess kantor, ya kantor kedua saya ada di Jawa Tengah menyebabkan saya harus hijrah dari Jakarta ke Magelang. Oh jangan salah, saya justru sangat mengidam-idamkan keluar dari hiruk-pikuknya keramaian metropolitan di kota ini, terbayang dong betapa girangnya saya saat diterima bekerja di sana. Walaupun saya harus tinggal sendiri dan jauh dari orang tua, tetapi i got my personal space there.

Sebagai anak baru, saya masih tinggal di mess manager yang bersebelahan dengan mess direktur tempatnya Dad. Tentu saja saya juga kecipratan fasilitas yang harusnya hanya diperuntukkan untuk direktur, mess yang besarnya bisa untuk 3 keluarga, king-sized bed, TV, cleaning lady, free breakfast & dinner, dan Indovision! Pokoknya mah saya tinggal hidup dan kerja deh :P

Apologize

Remember, it's okay not to be okay #readsomewhere

So, i had 2 friends. One of them is a girl and the other is a boy. No no no, i'm not going to match them (but if they wanted.. er back to the topic shall we?). But through several conversation with both of them and done separately off course, i realize they had something in common, although they show it in different ways (ya jelas kali, namanya juga cewek sama cowok, udah kayak langit bumi kan bedanya =))).

The girl once had a boyfriend. He's the one she's been waiting for to be the object of her affection. He's been a kind and caring boyfriend to her. Long story short, they're parted. The boyfriend suddenly turned away from her and went back to his old lover (yes his ex-girlfriend). Broken-hearted yet unfinished bussiness too, double lethal combo, don't you think so?

Then we move to another story about my other friend, the boy. He once had a girlfriend too during their collegiate year. They graduated and then he got a job that requires him to go off the island. Long Distance Relationship it is. The boy realizes that his girlfriend is changing, she pulled away from him and get busy with her own world. The boy tried to find a solution by quitting his job and returned to the city, where he got an accident in the first month he was back. Not to make the story even pathetic, his girlfriend left him for another boy.

One thing that made them until now have not been able to move on from their ex(es) is : they want an appropriate apology from their ex. They say that to me separately, makes me think again, is that really necessary? I used to say : Mereka aja sudah senang-senang sama yang baru, mana kepikiran untuk bilang sorry sama lu? Ga usah diharapin deh. Atau : Dia pergi ninggalin lu begitu aja, apa lu pikir dia mau repot2 kembali cuma untuk bilang maaf? he's a coward! etc.

On this post, i had to say sorry for you guys. Maybe i never been neglected that way or maybe i'm just being not sensitive to both of you thus saying those kind of words. I know what i'm saying is true. It comes from my right brain aka logical, which is needed because both of you need some slap in the face to get up from this despair. But still... when i think again, yeah maybe i just dunno what to say to you guys.

If the way out is forgiving the ones that hurts you the most, it would be easier since the power lies in you. But when it comes to wanted an apology from the others, an appropriate-one-not-just-some-meaningless-sorry, that's gonna be a long waited wishes, because as you know it : you can change yourself, but you can't control others.

I'm not blaming you guys for hoping that, it's natural. I just want to tell you, that sometimes your wishes may or may not come true. It's okay to wish that, but if that didn't happen, smile and let them go. You've given them the time, your precious time, so now let's spare some other time loving yourself. I know it takes time, but believe that you're not alone on this journey.

Even miracles take a little time. - Fairy Godmother on Cinderella.

Jadi, mau dijodohin ga nih? *kabur* =)))))))))))

Hold On

First post on this year!

I know i should be glad, but to be honest... i don't.

A new year should begin with a new hope, a new life, a new beginning while me.. i'm losing mine. I don't want to sound so pessimistict but the urge to be bitter person is getting higher everyday.

Yesterday i had another interview (again), and they tested me with some accounting basic knowledge. I can't answer a single question, and i feel very stupid, i had to hold my tears until i get back home. Never ever in my life i feel so powerless.

Yes i come from engineering background study, yes anyone would understand why i can't pass the test. But that event really make me realize where am i stand now. I'm always in the middle of nowhere. I never get specialized. Manusia setengah-setengah, i'd say.

They say build your dream as high as possible, cause that"s what you do when you dreaming, right? Limitless and full of hope. Now i'm questioning myself : do i pick my dream that high? should i compromise? should i lower my standard?

They say, money doesn't define you. Yeah, right. Almost 2 months unemployee, i had lost my confidence and losing up my hope soon, but i still holding on tight to my sanity.

Tell me, how long do you fight for your dream (job) until you had to give up to reality?